


Hotch's Shopping Disaster

by United Profilers (Mr_Stylinson)



Category: Criminal Minds
Genre: Annoyed Hotch, Crack, Funny, Gen, Humor, Shopping, Team as Family, Walmart
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-04
Updated: 2017-06-04
Packaged: 2018-11-08 17:50:01
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,291
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11086785
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mr_Stylinson/pseuds/United%20Profilers
Summary: Hotch goes grocery shopping, the rest of the team tags along, much to the BAU leader's dismay.





	Hotch's Shopping Disaster

**Author's Note:**

> Originally written in 2011 and published on Fanfiction.net.

A black 2007 Chevrolet Suburban 1500 looped around the big parking lot of the Walmart Supercenter. The driver of the large SUV was less than amused, especially after the laughs and remarks he received from the vehicle's other passengers for his ability to find a space to park, or lack thereof. Some had one car taking up two spots, while others towards the back closer to the road were occupying an RV, a pickup truck and horse trailer, a semi truck, and various other large vehicles. Conveniently, most of the handicapped spots were open, not that Hotch could park there anyway, although he was tempted.

Finally, the BAU leader saw an open space that another car just vacated in a different row. He drove over to it as he saw another automobile attempting to get that same spot. Aaron did something that surprised the others, he turned on the siren and floored it. He zipped into the space. The other car drove by, the driver looked very annoyed. In fact, Rossi was sure they were saying something that he wouldn't dare repeat. Hotch turned off the siren and the engine.

"I can't believe you did that!" Morgan laughed.

"Ooh, I bet that guy is PO-ed." Prentiss smirked as she watched the car ease into a spot further away from the store.

"Did you know that the estimated amount of car accidents that occur in parking lots is-"

"Reid, shut up." Hotch snapped calmly. The others chuckled while Spencer blushed. The profilers got out of their vehicle and Aaron grabbed a shopping cart then headed towards the store with the others in tow. They entered the store and stared in awe at how large it was, except for Hotch, who didn't seem at all fazed. The store had 31 checkout stands, though very few of them were actually open. A quarter of the store was groceries, most of it was clothing, there were automobile and entertainment sections towards the back. Off to another side was home and garden and pet supplies. There were lights and skylight windows on the tall ceiling.

"Wow." JJ breathed. "These stores just get bigger and bigger."

"I remember back when this place didn't even have groceries." Rossi shook his head slightly.

"Goes to show you how times have changed." Prentiss said as she eyeballed the women's clothing section.

"This place is ginormous." Morgan took off his sunglasses and folded them, resting them on his shirt collar.

"The average Walmart Supercenter is 185,000 square feet." Reid quipped. He received a series of stares from the others, causing him to shift around uncomfortably and twiddle his fingers.

"Seriously, kid, do you do anything normal in your spare time?" Derek asked, half in disbelief.

"Uh, read?" Spencer said with uncertainty.

Hotch gazed around the ridiculously large store. The groceries were to his left, which is the only thing he came here for. He hadn't planned on his entire team accompanying him, but such was case. The only thing that could have made this more exasperating would be if Garcia was here, which she wasn't, not that Hotch was complaining. It was bad enough that everyone else ended up coming, he couldn't even remember how this came to be in the first place. The store was rather crowded due to the holiday weekend and he only needed groceries, so he didn't want anybody running off to look at something else. He turned to his team, ready to lay down the law.

"All right, while I still don't know how you all ended up coming, I only came here for groceries, and that is how I intend to make this 'trip'. Are we clear?" Hotch sent his best stern gaze towards the other agents. A chorus of agreement emitted from the BAU family.

"Good. First I need-" Hotch was about to head over to the bakery, only to be cut off by Rossi.

" I want to check out the home and garden section. I'll meet you at the checkouts." Dave said over his shoulder.

"Rossi, I-" Aaron tried to protest, but the Senior SSA was already many feet away. The Unit Chief exhaled. He trusted the veteran profiler enough to believe he would follow through, but another part of him felt otherwise. He barely got two steps closer to the groceries when Emily and JJ suddenly ran over to the clothing. Prentiss pulled a dark blue halter top from the rack and showed it to JJ.

"Oh, my gosh, JJ! You would look great in this!" Emily squealed.

"I know." The media liaison said dreamily. "But with the job we have, there would rarely be a chance to even wear it."

"I think you should still try it on."

"I don't know..." JJ said skeptically.

"Come on, JJ..." Emily encouraged.

"Oh, okay. Where's the dressing rooms?"

"Over there. Now, let's see how you look!"

"Agents Prentiss and Jareau!" Hotch shouted none too happily. "I thought I made it clear that-"

"We'll catch up you later, Hotch!" Emily said as she and JJ disappeared behind a wall. The BAU leader closed his eyes briefly and pinched the bridge of his nose. He hadn't even started his shopping yet and he was already developing a headache.

"Don't worry, Hotch. We'll stay by you." Morgan assured. "Right, Pretty Boy?"

"Hmm? Oh, yeah. Of course." The young genius agreed distractingly.

Aaron didn't believe a word they said, but it did ease his aching head somewhat. Finally, he got to the bakery and looked through the many loaves. A couple meters away, Morgan grabbed a jar of molasses off the shelf and showed it to Reid.

"Hey, Reid, look at this." Derek snickered, using his thumb to cover the first three letters on the jar, making it look as if it said "asses". Surprisingly, Spencer found it funny and burst out laughing along with Morgan. "Oh, check this out." The dark-skinned agent grinned as he grabbed a container of peanut butter. Hotch shook his head and tossed a loaf of bread in the cart.

* * *

"This sure would be nice to barbecue with." Dave said in awe as he stared at the fancy red grill. It shined as if it had been recently polished, even the inside looked a similar way. Rossi carefully ran his fingers over the smooth metal surface in admiration. Sure, it was a few hundred dollars, but it's not like he couldn't afford it. Plus, he'd been meaning to look for a new grill, as his old one had worn out. Even though he wouldn't use it as much as he'd like to, even though it's currently July. Between the colder seasons and hunting down crazed serial killers, it would still be nice to have, and it was in better shape than his older one.

Dave was pondering if he should get it now or wait until it went on sale. He decided he'd think it through while looking at the lawnmowers.

Elsewhere, a young female behind the desk by the fitting rooms gazed timidly at the mound of clothes that seemed to be overflowing out of two of the dressing rooms. She wondered how that blonde and dark-haired woman could try on so many things, and in such little time. Heck, they even put her two older sisters to shame.

She watched as the two profilers stepped out of the stalls for the umpteenth time in different outfits, admiring each others looks. The female exhaled. Where the hell was Becky? She was supposed to take over so that she could get on with her lunch break. Although her memory was a little fuzzy, she thought she had seen her colleague run away in terror after seeing all the clothes that those two "FBI agents" had been trying on, and still are.

"Ooh, Em, you should try this." She heard the blonde speak. She slammed her face on the desk and remained in that position. Tonight, she was going to demand a raise, especially after dealing with this.

Back at the grocery section, Aaron hadn't been keeping an accurate count, but as far as he could remember, Morgan and Reid had managed to make fun of a jar of molasses, a container of peanut butter, a bottle of laundry detergent, a box of cereal, and a bag of toilet paper. He would never admit that he cracked a grin or two at some of their jokes. At least they had yet to run off, and he was more than half done with his shopping.

"Hotch? Ca-can I get these?" Spencer asked with reluctance. He showed the BAU leader a package of protein bars. "I promise I'll pay for them." Sometimes, even Aaron found it hard to refuse Reid's youthful innocence. He simply offered the young doctor to put it in the cart. Then, Morgan suddenly appeared with a bag of barbecue-flavored chips, trying to copy Spencer's puppy-eyed look.

Hotch was glad that all he needed now was a carton of milk. He headed towards the dairy, unaware that Derek went the other way towards the electronics to look at MP3 players. After the Unit Chief put his last item in the cart, he eventually noticed that Morgan was missing. Reid looked around and didn't see him either.

"Great." Hotch muttered.

"Should we go look for him?" Spencer suggested. Honestly, Hotch was half tempted to leave Derek at the store, though he would never really do that, he was upset that nobody could listen to him when all he came here for was groceries, not procrastination.

"Nobody can follow a simple order." Aaron sighed.

"Uh, I did." Spencer said sheepishly. Hotch ignored the younger man and left the grocery area, heading in a random direction, Reid following. Looking for any signs of Morgan, or any of the others, the two agents approached the electronics. Hotch figured this was a likely place Derek might have wandered off to. They went down an aisle, not knowing that Morgan was the next one over, looking at video games. By the time Hotch and Reid went by that aisle however, It was mostly vacant except for a couple teenagers.

Nobody was answering their cell phones, which annoyed Hotch and worried him a little. After having searched through half the store, Reid suggested splitting up. The BAU leader wasn't too fond of the idea, then he remembered Rossi saying that he would meet them back at the checkouts. Nearly jogging the whole way there, Aaron came to a screeching halt, Spencer bumping into him from behind. After mumbling an apology, his eyes widened as much as Hotch's had at the sight before them.

Two entire shopping carts were loaded to the top with clothes. JJ and Emily each standing behind one of them, grinning. Hotch never imagined Agent Jareau having a clothing fetish, especially one this bad. Rossi had a cargo hauling cart, where he got it, Hotch did not know, but it was carrying a barbecue grill, a lawn mower, and some plants. Morgan held what appeared to be a package to an iPod. Reid looked a little disappointed, all he had was his lowly protein bars.

"How are you all paying for these?" The Unit Chief asked, gesturing to everyone's items. "And most of all, how do you expect this to fit in the SUV?"

"We got it covered." Dave assured with a smile. It did not ease Hotch one bit, he glanced suspiciously at the Senior SSA, then sent a stern glare at everyone once he spoke.

"I thought I told all of you I came here solely for food. Not all of this." He said, slightly irritated. "You all had to run off and buy half of the store."

"But I didn't run off, Hotch." Spencer defended weakly. "And actually, counting all these items we have, the exact percentage would be-"

"Reid, shut up." Aaron interrupted. The young profiler blushed and hung his head in shame. Once they were next in line, they all checked out and everyone paid for their purchases. They headed out to the parking lot, when Hotch noticed that the SUV was gone from the spot he had parked at. Rossi and the girls pointed out to Aaron that it was over by the loading dock of the store. How it got there, he had no idea, considering that he was the only one with the keys, but when he got a better look of the vehicle, he couldn't help but gawk and shake his head.

The Suburban miraculously sported a trailer hitch, and attached to it was a white, two-axle storage trailer. Hotch was about to ask where it came from, but another part of him didn't even want to know. Wordlessly, Dave, JJ and Prentiss unloaded their stuff in the trailer while Hotch unloaded his groceries. Spencer offered to help, the older man merely shrugged and resumed the task. Morgan stood nearby, playing with his new iPod. Once all the work was done, they returned the carts and got in their vehicle.

As they got on the road, Hotch made it clear that he was not happy with his team today. They behaved more like kids rather than adult federal agents. Rossi was a little taken aback by the reprimanding, but he showed nor said nothing, Morgan simply shrugged, and the two girls looked a little embarrassed. Spencer was hurt, he hadn't wandered off like the others, but Hotch didn't seem to acknowledge that. He sighed and looked out the window.

 _I swear._ Aaron thought as he drove. _Next time they come, I am bringing leashes and harnesses._

"Hotch?" Spencer asked pleadingly.

"Yes, Reid, I know." Hotch said finally. The young man smiled and leaned back in his seat.

**Author's Note:**

> If you enjoyed this story, please leave a kudo!


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